& we just danced.

this is the final time i will ever explain my disorder to everyone.
i have clinical bipolar disorder and panic/anxiety disorder.

this means i can't handle my emotions. in stressful situations i will freak out, its gauranteed.
and if it involves ian, then watch out because i will flip out royally.

like today. i flipped out at the fort.
and no one did anything. i'm not screaming and shaking and crying for attention. the reason i did what i did and said whatever i said is because my brain doesn't process strong emotions like everyone elses.
i have these episodes and the fact that nobody came over to me and even sat with me doesnt make it any better.
and after i freak out and calm down, i can barely remember what i said.
and arguing with me is useless. i'm too distraught.
it must really suck to have to see me like that, i realize that.
but i have to deal with this for the rest of my life. i don't get a choice.

i swear you are all thinking "oh my god, she does it for attention!"
but thats retarded and you should throw yourself in a ditch for even thinking that.

if your going to be my friend, it may occur that this happens.
but honestly, the fact that everyone just sat there while i rattled off like a mad woman, made me feel even more alone.

i would never hurt you for coming over to me and sitting with me. because in the end thats all i need when im like that.

but walking away? i felt like dying inside.
because its literally the feeling of people turning their backs on you.

i won't lie to you people, i barely trust any of you.
after the shit you pulled on me, i may have forgiven it but its on my mind every time we hang out.

everyday i feel like there is no one i can trust. not ian, not this 'group', not anyone.
i've explained time and time again that i need people to be there, but its never heard.
so mock me. go ahead.
i don't care anymore.

i may regret this but at the moment i'm saying how i feel right now, because holding back is bad for you.

do you people realize that i was ready to give up? i was completely ready to just stop.
my body is sore, and sick from medication. my mind is unraveling as we speak.
and i always thought that i have something to work for, people want me around, they want to help.
but honestly i don't believe that anymore, and i haven't for a while.

i would give anything to be like you, you have no idea how easy you have it.

so there it is all laid out for you.
i'm done.

LOL@TITLE.

which of course no one would get because i've been so BOMBARDED with plans to hang out and all.
yeah, no.

i've been so entirely uninvited that i've made up jokes in my head. i've been sitting around watching every 90's movie on FEARnet, laughing, quoting, and admiring. ALL ON MY LONESOME.

am i seriously that lame?
well, survey says yes.

honestly, is it so difficult for people to call me?
am i that much of a burden to chill with?
eh. whatever. it was bound to happen again.
i couldn't honestly believe that these people ACTUALLY liked me.

as i read that again its pretty ridiculous and rude but i never take things back. sorry.

i just wish someone wanted to hang out one on one once in a while.
so i could embarrass myself quoting the gayest horror movies.
and not just look like a loser doing it alone.

i have a therapist appointment around three or something.
goodie.

then, apparently people are going out to eat today.
first i've heard of it.

this whole weekend was pretty gay.
i don't do well with all girls. i really don't.
all girl sleepover.
the some faggot bridal shower for a woman i don't even know. but of course my dad's family forced me and my mom to go even though they aren't her family and are barely mine.
so i got sick and we left.

there is just too much estrogen at those things.
and the games. dear moses how i hate that shit.

soi i've been bummin' it in my hollister sweatshirt and my cute grey shorts for the past days.
watching devon sawa cut his hand off and make out with jessica alba, about twice a day.
they need new movies on FEARnet.

and i've been craving 'Can't Hardly Wait' like crazy. so if anyone owns it, burn it for me or let me borrow it. all i do is repeat the hairdryer scene over and over in my head. for comical reasons and others. because i'm a sick, sick girl.
classic. 

ta-ta.
oh and no need to offend, i'm just pissy.

lovelovelove,
sarah-ellen.

oh and the title, well i'm bored, therefore my hands are idle. therefore i'm using them to type this. therefore its a movie. therefore i'm seriously lame for even explaining that.

jeezus.

oh and reading steves entry from before, that was really rude of bringing kayla there.
so low.

today started off on a great note. i went to kristen's party wth rachel, in her car.
we were jamming to music and having fun.
funny how life works, eh?!

then we got to the party. it was me, rahcel, kristen, kyle, nate, steve, sean, danny, and tessa.
we played in the pool, ate, played volleyball.
all around it was a pretty awesoem time.
i had fun, and in all honesty i really don't think nate is a dick anymore.

i say that, because i saw myself from the outside today.
and i don't want to turn into a rachel right now.
its always 'don't talk about sean! i don't even care!'
and then 'hes such a dick! lets silly string him! i hate him!'

sometimes i can't stand it. you cant say you hate someone and then say you don't care. its a complete contradiction.
it drives me crazy.

kristen was upset that adam didn't come, which led to more drama, but its not my drama so i won't get into it.

oh and here's the real reason for this entry!
we all went to see 'the dark knight', which by the way, was amazing.
nate and rachel didn't go.
becaus ethey were hanging out alone. together. watching lost.
which led to a paranoid sean, thouigh he says hes not worried.
but he still talked about it every five minutes.

it must feel terrible for him.
i mean, its totally uncomfortable for me to see my ex-boyfriend and one of my best friends hanging out alone together.
its just sort of an unwritten rule.
sean was all nervous they would do something.
but he doesn't think nate would do that.
and, quite frankly, i agree. he just isnt the type to do that to one of his best friends.
but i wonder about rachel.
she sort of 'flip flops' as brooke calls it.
i totally agree.

i'd like to think nothing would happen, but i don't trust rachel as much as sean trusts nate.
it's happened before anyway.

obviously any girl code there is can be broken if its at the expense of my feelings.
naturally.

its not that i care 'that way' anymore, its just the principle. and the fact that i'd never do that to anyone.

but i had a great time at the movies, plus a great time with brooke beforehand. so i guess it evens out in the end.

its hard to know who to trust these days.

i haven't posted in here.
today was pretty great.
i woke up around one-thirty which is absolutely ridiculous but i'm not complaining.
i got fresh and clean, put on clothes, and by two-thirty i was out and about with krysten moore. we got free slushies at 7/11 and went to euro.
they have these cute little bracelets there for a dollar and krysten got us both one. its cute.
we went to the acushnet schools playground and swang. is  that even the proper word?
eh, i don't care.
i was home for a bit and my mother and i watched degrassi together. i basically explained everything to her. she'll say she didn't really care about it, but she was totally into the show.
then i called brooke and her mom picked me up.
brooke has trouble prnouncing words. like LEE-OH-NARD.
lulz.
it was just me, brooke, stacey, and tessa. with appearances by kyle stefanini and guest starring brooke's momma.
we played guitar and talked about the jonas brothers contest, and how we're obviously going to win.
the pizza guy came. he was a good sport.

brooke: are you the jonas brothers?
pizza man: no.
brooke: are you the pizza man?
pizza man: no.
brooke: are you the jonas brothers pizza man?
pizza man: no.
brooke: can you sing for us?
pizza man: no.
brooke: do you know who the jonas brothers are?
pizza man: yes.

then we ate pizza and brooke let a rocket out of her butt. it was madd cute.

things i learned today:
-LEE-OH-PARD.
-stacey wants to rub nick jonas' hair on her vagina.
-brooke farts when she eats chips.
-tessa says the jonas's brothers look like guidos. or mexicans.
-tessa is wrong.
-"i'm the jonas brothers! i'm PRETTY."

later.
sarah-ellen